Soo... 8 months between posts. Awesome. I totally fail at blogging. Also... I hope you occasionally check this blog! :-)

How have you been? How is Eric (That was his name, right?) How is life in Japan post-earthquake? I haven't been following you're Fukushima blog, although I am planning to read it over the next few days, or at least I hope too.

I HAVE, however, been thinking about you, and if you had some time to chat I'd really appreciate it. Jaimee and I are in the final stages of preparing to move to Korea and I'm freaking out, especially about whether or not I'm cut out for this DCO/missionary/international Christian thing. At times I'm confident, and at other times (like today) I'm an insecure little boy.

I don't know what I'm exactly asking for here, but I was hoping you could lend some experience, some comfort, and some friendly words of advice about preparing to live overseas and the reality of teaching english as a profession.... Thanks!

Happy New Year!

2011 is finally here. Just 12 more months until the supposed end of the world. I've been getting these weird Y2K Bug flash backs, lol. I just got back from a vacation with my family. We went to Las Vegas to gamble and stuff. All in all I'd say it was one of the better family vacations we've had even though I've been sick since Christmas and have passed it on to almost all my family members.

Countdown, approx 12 days until MACO! I have 12 days to read two books (each 300+ pages) and write 3 papers and I thought I was done with school... foolish mortal!

Oh I also ordered the to form the Rent-a-DCO company. I"M FREAKING OUT!, what happens after I form it? I've got to actually start the business. Its a scary thought. I guess I really shouldn't worry about it since I've already got a lot of the preliminary work done, but how cool would it be for this thing to get off the ground? It would be a true miracle for me.

It would only take 1 contract with Rent-a-DCO for me to more than double my current salary as a teller with American Bank. 1 contract is a completely feasible amount of work to add a part-timejob and a Masters :-P.

I'm not sure about this yet, but if I am able to get a few contracts I could easily quit my day job, which would mean I'm doing "full-time" ministry. For all thats worth, lol.

Oh, I was reading some of your Fukishima blogs, sounds like you've really found your voice as a blogger. I feel some of your Christmas frustration, however, and btw I laughed for a long time at the O come Emmanuel translation bit.

Since MACO is starting soon I'm getting back into my morning reading/blogging/coffee time, I was even thinking about commenting on your blog from time to time, haha.

Ok, well I need to get back to reading How to Read a Book: The classic guide to intelligent reading, which wins the prize for most ironic title. hope everything is going great and that you eventually check this blog again.

Rent-a-DCO

Life has been crazy, sorry I abandoned this blog. If its any consolation though, I think about it often and its only because I've been preoccupied that I've been neglecting to stay in touch.

I guess the last time I heard from you was after I got back from NY. Well, not much new on that side of things. But I do have some exciting news, NORM IS BACK FROM ENGLAND! YAY!

I know its exciting but try to contain your soft scream of joy and gentle clapping so as not to wake your neighbors. lol.

I don't know if you remember the Rent-a-DCO project I mentioned to you a few months ago, but I've come a long way in developing it. It looks like I'll be officially forming the company at the beginning of 2011 and at least using it as my practicum throughout MACO. If you're interested in reading it and giving some feedback, I'd be happy to email the business plan to you. :-)

How did things go with Eric when he visited? How's your family? Hows Japan?

Faith thoughts

Faith is a dangerous thing.

I wanted it to be different this time around--not to lose myself and my hopes and dreams and truth up to the ever-commanding (yet ever-abstract) leading of God's purposes. Are God's purposes big enough to lose myself in? Yes. And then I find myself simply spirit and no body; in a place of existence that matches Star Trek's "beam me up" and somehow gets stuck in the process of particl-ization.

I wanted it to be different--I need a faith of both the spirit and the body. I need to know God and also be able to answer people when they ask about my hobbies. Last time I came back to America from Japan, I came back knowing God...and unable to relate to anyone around me, stuck in this horrible false existence. I need to know how to be a real person and be a faithful Christian. I need to be stretched in faith and also know about good boundaries. I need to know what dreams are of God and what dreams should be sacrificed due to the call of "leave your people and your country and go to the land I will show you..." I can't lose myself completely...can't come away from this with no personality again. My biggest fear is to become some sort of religious vegetable who has fed herself lies to cope with an existence of hopelessness, with failure--and to end up once again curled up on a floor somewhere, unable to move, unable to answer even the simplest question about myself because I only know spiritual things.

Is it faith to trust that every time I lose myself, God will find me? Is this fear of particles and spirit and atoms stuck in space somewhere just an irrational fear similar to fearing vampires and a fantasy world? Reality is so ill-defined and hastily-cut. If reality is not what I see and experience, nor what I have learned or been told, and is only what God is telling me in Scripture and who He is...well, how do I answer all of the people who think they know what my reality is/should be? How do I answer my own heart?

Brian would say something about "good faith" and "bad faith" at this point, I'm sure. :) How dearly I wish he were here to talk about it!

I'm back in the same place I was years ago: no real attachments, nothing to keep me outlined in a solid color. The line from ReliantK comes to mind, "Through all the times I've faded, and You've outlined me again..." How will God outline me? Do I have no choice in the matter? Brian would say that I do--that that's good faith, that God has given us a choice, wants us to decide actively to live and love and see what He'll do with us in it. But where does calling fit into that? Am I missing something?

I'm scared of the particles, of vegetation. I'd rather not exist at all than to be a spiritual vegetable...and I don't know where the middle existence is of neither vegetation nor stubborn control of my own life. Somewhere within this middle, I think, is the faith that I'm supposed to be looking for...

Beginning Thoughts...

I'm so glad that you posted this!!! You have entered my mind several times over the last two weeks... Here're just some initial responses:

- I don't think the Bible allows for secret Christians. The only part that comes to my head that's even close is the part about going into your closet and shutting the door to pray... but that section of Scripture is an admonition against pride more than an allowance for secrecy--and it has to do with prayer, not sharing the gospel.

- I'm really thinking about your first question. If you state your intentions, etc., beforehand, is going through the ceremony ok? I don't know. The closest thing that I can compare this to would be attending Buddhist funerals in Japan. It is a HUGE slap in the face to the family and the deceased if an attender of the funeral doesn't pray at a small Buddhist shrine that is passed around during the funeral ceremony. Some Christians that I know say that as long as a Christian makes the sign of the cross before praying at the shrine, he or she is ok because it has been clearly communicated that the person is praying to Christ instead of to the spirit of the deceased (which reminds me of you clearly stating your intentions and beliefs before going ahead). Some Christians (my pastor is one) just go ahead and pray at the shrine, but pray to Christ. Some Christians (like me) have prayed at the shrine, but I don't ever want to again. I think if I asked my pastor, he would say that it is ok to pray at the shrine because he's communicating love to those around him and he's praying to the true God.

- Is God big enough to handle whatever you do? YES. :) What will that look like?--I don't have a clue. Sorry, that's probably not helpful at all...

- A couple of questions come to mind right away:

How will this communicate true love to her family? Will they know you guys love and respect them because you are putting them higher than your religious affiliation? That's what it still sounds like--to me, who doesn't understand the whole situation obviously! When you ask them if there is a different way to communicate your love and respect for them, what do they say? Is there any other way/any other suggestion? Can you tell them that forced, fake obedience is NOT showing love?

How would you go about stating your intentions/beliefs before the ceremony? Could it be used as a time to witness and share those beliefs in love? Would those beliefs and statements just be manipulated? Can we trust God to use them for His glory? Oy...

Sorry...this is probably just more confusing! I'll be praying for you, and let you know if more comes to mind...and let me know how you're doing with it all too, and what you're thinking! Who else have you talked to? Has anything been helpful thus far?

I miss you, brother. Your writing reminded me of both your excitement (I can't believe you are still focusing on the rent-a-DCO project! That's awesome!:)) and the struggles (detoxing for a week, etc.)... :) Thanks for being real and sharing your questions--though I pretty much suck at giving clear, discerning answers--I'll pray! :)

Keep me updated...blessings of wisdom and guidance!

Help?... I mean HELP!

Hey, Sorry I've been gone from this thing for so long! I've been keeping busy with the Rent-A-DCO thing... I know, its impressive I'm still jazzed about it. What can I say? When I commit to something, I really commit. Then Jaimee and I spent a week in Myrtle Beach, SC, followed by a week in Germany. Then one of Jaimee's little korean-chick friends came back with us from MD, and literally drank me under the table for a week, after which I needed a serious detox. So I was on a 7-day fast last week, while beginning an accelerated online course with School of Continuing Studies. CRAZY times.

Well as you may or may not have seen on your other blog, I need your attention and wisdom on a very important cross cultural issue involving your exact expertise. As previously mentioned, I was fasting, and praying, although mainly just detoxing. But a it happens I was praying about Jaimee's well-being and such in my prayers last night. Then this evening we go out to dinner so I can break my fast with an awesome wedge salad from Friday's when she hits me with this:

Apparently, Jaimee's family has been pressuring her again to get us to go the "blessing" (her family's church's wedding ceremony), usually we'd give the regular "no" response and move on. However, they've taken a different approach this time that is making me want to get all the advice I can from the Big Guns. Thats right, I count you as a spiritual Big Gun :=) So here goes...

They want us to get blessed, not as a religious ceremony (although it is), and not to appease her father (although that is a factor), but because in her family's eyes, they don't feel she loves them. Because we've been completely uncompromising (I disagree).

Also, they aren't asking for us to necessarily believe any part of their religion (although I'm pretty sure the father does), but want this done as a matter of respect towards the family and their culture. We even have the option of clarifying our intentions and beliefs before going through with the ceremony. So, I know you need time to chew on things and even then I probably won't get the straightforward answer I'd like, lol, so no pressure to do this in a bullet point style. I've just been mulling this over all day and you're the person I felt lead to ask.

What do you think?

1) I know we have the responsibility to care for the conscience of our neighbors. But if we're completely honest about our intentions and beliefs before hand then does that "wash our hands" of the responsibility?

2) I know the meaning of this ceremony is akin to LCMS doctrine on Baptism. But is my God too small if I think this nullifies something in my faith?

3) Do you know anyone in Japan who has had to deal with this issue as it relates to Japanese culture or religious ceremonies?

4) You told me a story once about your pastor and you going to a Buddhist funeral. Is he around to comment on the situation at all?

5) In Japanese culture (or Korean if you know an expert) if you are the one who caused offense, how do you right the wrong? Especially when its a matter of such dishonor as family?

There is this amazing book called "Miracle of Miracles." Its about these two Iranian Muslims who become Christians in Iran. They're forced to live as secret Christians, and are eventually married, as Muslims, to one another, the whole time not knowing the other is Christian also. The story goes on, and its just a beautiful story.

But there is something bothering about this story to me, which Jaimee confronted me with. Is there anything falsifying about their faith, just because their culture forced them to live their faith in secret?

Every LCMS bone in me (there aren't many) says YES. But... there is a part of me saying NO. I need some serious help sorting through this. HELP!

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." - Ps. 27

***Just a post from my Fukushima blog. I thought it was maybe applicable here too. :)***

Sometimes, especially when I'm saying goodbye to people, I adopt this idea that life will always be sad and the only complete joy is in heaven. While that is maybe a true statement at face value, the verse of the Psalm above reminds me that God's goodness is seen today, every day, "in the land of the living"--"normal" days, sad days, happy days--peace and joy and strength and love come from a God who is intimately familiar and interested in our physical days.

Sometimes the looking forward in hope to heaven is faith-inspiring and obedient...other times it is me responding to God in bitterness, closing my eyes to the gifts of goodness I've received today. Please God, strengthen my faith so that I have both hope and confidence that you have goodness planned for eternity, the future, and for today...